©1990 Marie-Lynn Hammond
Mouse was commissioned about 1990 by Alberta Theatre Projects in Calgary, along with several other short plays by other playwrights, for a 10-minute play festival. We were told that the plays would be performed as a lunch-time series, so topics that didn’t mix with lunch should be avoided; also, they would be staged with a minimum of props, lighting, etc. Other than that there were no restrictions on style or subject matter. I got the idea for this play after seeing a young street kid in the subway with a pet rat in the pocket of her jacket.
CHARACTERS
VINCE, a punk with green hair, Doc Marten boots, and a black leather jacket with chains. A young seventeen.
IDA, an office clerk in a beige raincoat with unfashionable glasses and no makeup. An old thirty-two.
PLACE
On a bus in a city.
TIME
The present.
TEXT NOTE: A back-slash (\) occurring near the end of a speech indicates that the next speech overlaps starting at the back-slash.
MOUSE
VINCE
(TWITCHING). Hey pal. Take it easy. (LOOKS DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS HALF-ZIPPED UP JACKET) I know. (TWITCH) I’m starvin’ too. But we gotta get some dough, gotta do a little (BIG TWITCH, REACHES INSIDE JACKET AND ADJUSTS SOMETHING) panhandling down on – hey lady, you gotta problem. I said you gotta problem?
IDA
No.
VINCE
Then quit staring at me. Like, it’s a free country, right, so how come people are always staring like I’m a friggin’ weirdo. (WRIGGLES AND REACHES IN WITH ONE HAND DOWN HIS OTHER SLEEVE) Hey, get back here, bud, I’ll feed you as soon as I – (TO IDA) you’re still staring.
IDA
I’m not staring.
VINCE
Think I’m loony, right. People like you always do.
IDA
No I don’t, honest.
VINCE
So quit lookin’!
IDA
(TIMIDLY) I’m sorry, but – you must have been looking at me too or you wouldn’t have thought I was looking at you.
VINCE
Yeah, well, if I did it was ’cuz you were staring and it was only for a friggin’ second and anyway lookin’ ain’t starin’ and I ain’t talkin’ to myself, so there, I’m talkin’ to my pal, my buddy here. (PATS HIS JACKET) See, you think I’m wacko. You want to see him, huh. Huh.
IDA
See what?
VINCE
(REACHES INTO JACKET, REMOVES SOMETHING IN HIS CUPPED HANDS) Look, he’s a rat!
IDA
A rat?
VINCE
You’re scared, huh. You oughta be. He’s one tough dude.
(BUS LURCHES TO A HALT, IDA AND VINCE ARE THROWN TOGETHER)
VINCE
(TO DRIVER) Hey leadfoot, drive much?
IDA
Can I, uh, see your rat again?
VINCE
Huh. You serious?
IDA
Yes.
VINCE
Okay, but look out, he bites. Hard. Like, once he near ripped the throat out of this giant pitbull. (SHOWS HER)
IDA
That’s not a rat, it’s a mouse.
VINCE
Screw you, he’s a rat, man! Aren’t you, Bruiser.
IDA
It’s too small to be a rat.
VINCE
So he’s not full grown yet, he’s a juvenile, he’s, like, a young offender, okay. And he’s had a rough life, got kicked around a lot, and we don’t eat regular so he’s skinny right now but – hey, how would you know if he’s a mouse or a rat?
IDA
Because I have a mouse too. Right here. (PATS HER POCKET AND GIVES A SMALL LADY-LIKE TWITCH)
VINCE
Hey, you tryin’ to make fun at me or what. You don’t got no mouse there – I mean you’re so friggin’ straight I bet your idea of a hot time is knittin’ doilies. You prob’ly work in some borin’ little hole of an office and you live with your mother and you fold your socks before puttin’ ’em away – shit, you prob’ly iron your socks! A mouse in her pocket, eh, Bruiser. Hah. She don’t got the nerve.
IDA
Oh no? Take a look then. (TAKES SOMETHING IN HER CUPPED HANDS FROM HER POCKET AND HOLDS IT UP)
VINCE
I can’t see nothin’, open your hand more – (SEES MOUSE) Holy… (BUS BRAKES AGAIN, IDA IS THROWN AGAINST VINCE) \ Shee -it!
IDA
I’m sorry – oh no, where \ did she –
VINCE
It’s okay, I got it, it went down my jacket!
IDA
Give her back to me!
VINCE
(PEERS DOWN JACKET) Hey, chill out, they’re being friendly. Geez, I think they’re gettin’ it on! Go for it Bruiser, yeah!
IDA
You’re a disgusting person!
VINCE
And you’re a prissy chicken shit. Look at that little bow on your collar, and your glasses, and those shoes. LOOKING DOWN HIS JACKET) Yeah Bruiser, go fella!
IDA
Give me \ my mouse!
VINCE
Hey, you ever had a boyfriend? You ever been laid? Hah! You probably never even been felt up! Right?
IDA
(ALL IN A RUSH) Well what’s wrong with wearing glasses and comfortable shoes and working in an office I mean millions of people work in offices and yes it’s boring, numbers all day long, two times two always making four, never any surprises and I can’t help it if I had five sisters every one more beautiful than the next with names like Lily and Crystal and Rose and they all go off and marry beautiful men and have beautiful babies and then there’s me, plain Ida and it’s not my fault I’m nearsighted and my feet are flat and I’m left behind at home to take care of father who’s deaf as a doorpost, no surprises there either so all the more reason for someone like me to have a mouse even though when I first saw it behind the filing cabinet I was sort of scared but she had the prettiest black eyes as shiny as buttons and well, with a mouse there’s always surprises, you should know that, and one other thing about mice. They’re not like people. They don’t hurt you.
VINCE
(COMPLETELY TAKEN ABACK) Okay, like I was wrong, you gotta mouse. It ain’t a rat, but – (REACHES IN AND RETURNS MOUSE). And I was kiddin’ about them doin’ it. They were just sorta bein’ cosy, ya know?
(IDA CHECKS THAT IT’S HER MOUSE, THEN TURNS HER BACK ON HIM AND RINGS THE BELL)
VINCE
Hey wait! Like, even a mouse, it’s still pretty cool. And you never even told me what her name is.
IDA
(STILL WITH HER BACK TO HIM) Mouse. Just Mouse.
VINCE
Hey, I like that. Yeah, Mouse, that’s nice. Look, I’m sorry if \ I –
IDA
And anyway, what’s so great about your life? (BUS STOPS, NOT SO SUDDENLY AS BEFORE. IDA GETS OFF)
VINCE
Hey, my life is – ! Well screw her, Bruiser! Look at her, buggerin’ off into that building with all the other stiffs. (PEERS OUT WINDOW, READS) “Great Western Life“ – hah, that’s a laugh. I wouldn’t trade. (BRUISER MAKES HIM TWITCH) Hey buddy, settle down! What’s your problem. It was only a mouse. (TWITCH) I told you, it’s just you and me, man, we don’t need no one else. (BRUISER IS STILL AGITATED) Okay, so look, so maybe sometime we’ll be on this bus again or maybe we’ll be walking near Tenth and – (PEERS OUT THE WINDOW) and King, and maybe we’ll run into her, big hairy deal, (BRUISER SEEMS TO BE SETTLING DOWN) and you can have another visit, you wimp. (BUS LURCHES TO A HALT AGAIN, BIG SUDDEN TWITCH) Jesus Murphy! (VINCE REACHES OVER HIS SHOULDER DOWN THE BACK OF HIS JACKET, GRABS BRUISER AND PULLS HIM TO THE FRONT OF HIS JACKET WHERE HE HOLDS HIM TIGHTLY IN BOTH HANDS, DOING THIS AS HE DELIVERS THE NEXT TWO LINES TO BUS DRIVER) Hey, asshole, this ain’t the County Fair, you know! This ain’t no friggin’ bumper car! (TO BRUISER) Chill out pal, it was only a mouse. (AS THE BUS PULLS AWAY AGAIN, VINCE GLANCES BACK OUT THE WINDOW TOWARDS IDA’S BUILDING) It was only a goddamn mouse.
– THE END –