Music & Lyrics: Marie-Lynn Hammond

if we lose this forest if we savage the land
we might as well be cutting off our own right hand
for we and the earth are one
under the moon, under the sun

Music & Lyrics: Marie-Lynn Hammond

they say Eve gave Adam the apple
Adam didn’t want it at all
but though Adam was fussy that old Eve was a hussy
she talked him right into the fall

they say Eve gave Adam the apple
the poor man didn’t know what for
but as soon as he gave in to her original sin
the Big Boss kicked them out the door

Chorus:
oh Eve, you got a bum rap, sister
Eve, I think you’ve been framed
whoever wrote the Bible should be sued for libel
’cause since then all your daughters
have been taking the blame

they say we’d still be in the garden of Eden
having picnics if it weren’t for Eve
at least that’s what the Pope and the Ayatollah
and guys like that would have you believe

oh but let’s take a look at what happened
after paradise was no more
Eve invented agriculture and art
Adam invented war…

…and nuclear technology to threaten our ecology
and sneaky male theology to dictate our biology
I think Adam and his buddies owe us all a big apology

Chorus

they say Eve gave Adam the apple
now pardon me if I sound crude
but no matter who they say seduced who that day
Eve was the one who got screwed

Chorus

we’re either whores or witches, madonnas or bitches
Eve, I think we’ve been framed
enough of this invective, let’s have some perspective
it’s been ten thousand years and we’re still taking the blame
but Eve we’ve had enough and things are starting to change
oh Eve we’re gonna clear your name

Music & Lyrics: Marie-Lynn Hammond

Chorus:
oy veh oy vey oy vey oy veh oy veh
why did I have to fall for another Jewish guy today
my heart’s like a bagel got a hole in the middle
been shafted again and again
oh why do I have this thing for Jewish men

’twas in college that I met my first one, Leonard Jay Mandel
he drew me like a magnet though why I could not tell
for me, a good French Catholic girl, I saw this could be tough
so I prayed that he’d convert but I guess I didn’t pray hard enough

’cause he dumped me right around the time I’d hoped to meet his folks
I was hurt—I didn’t understand till I heard his buddy joke
“Shiksas are only for practice”—well you’d think I’d have learned from that
but no then I had to go fall for the buddy—Myron Rosenblatt!

Chorus

well Myron left me for a blonde and oh how I did pine
at least till Joey Gold appeared, and later Sheldon Stein
when I’d bring them home maman would roll her French Canadian eyes
and then she’d serve tortiere for lunch—you know those minced pork pies?

well they’d leave quite quickly after that and then maman would say
“Mon dieu don’t you meet any Catholic boys? I think I will have to pray
a special novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus to help you!”
“Well that’s great,” I’d tell her, “but remember Ma, Jesus was Jewish too!”

Chorus

now why with our dominant WASPy culture, why do I have this thing?
Jewish men don’t tend to look like Robert Redford, they don’t look like Sting
but maybe that’s it—it’s my hot French blood that requires the exotic
or maybe it’s the heavy religious trip making them, like me neurotic
(Naah…!)
maybe I just like them ’cause they’re passionate and smart
Jewish men have chutzpah, they have chumour, they have cheart

so what’s the problem then you say
why do I lament today
I’m getting to that right away oy vey oy vey oy vey

(you see) Jewish men will floor you they will love you they’ll adore you
they’ll pursue you and they’ll woo you they will do such wild things to you
they’ll wine you and they’ll dine you and they’ll call it dough well spent
they will want you they will haunt you some might even share the rent
but when it’s time to tie the knot and end the dizzy whirl
you can bet your ass they’ll up and wed some good Jewish girl!
(well I know there are some that don’t but trust me to pick the ones that do…)

Chorus

Music & Lyrics: Marie-Lynn Hammond

Chorus:
science is wonderful
science is grand
but there’s one thing about science
that i don’t understand
they can build a bomb to destroy the world
they can put a man on the moon
but they can’t find one safe and easy way
to keep sperm out of the womb

Mike and Ann were Catholic and they didn’t want any kids
but the church said they had to use rhythm so that is what they did
do you know there’s a name for people who practice rhythm faithfully?
yup—we call ’em parents—now Mike and Ann have a family of three

chorus

Jane and Lynn and Catherine put their faith in the IUD
wasn’t long before all of them were mothers to be
so Catherine got a diaphragm the next time round ’cause she didn’t know what else to do
now Jane and Lynn have one kid each—Catherine has two

chorus

if men could get pregnant, you know what we’d see
birth control research would be bigger than the defence industry
they’ve got a million medical marvels to delay your trip to the tomb
but they can’t find one safe and easy way to keep sperm out of the womb

now I grew up in the sixties and we all went on the pill
till we saw it was making us moody, fat, depressed and ill
the trouble is the fellows all got used to it, they thought it was the norm
now you show a safe* to a sixties man, the poor darling can’t perform!

chorus

* A 1960s term for condom

Music & Lyrics: Marie-Lynn Hammond

oh mothers teach your sons how to cook and how to clean
in the arts of housework educate them
or else your sons poor wives will curse you all their lives
as they labour to housebreak and domesticate them

pass on to them the ancient art of dusting
show them there’s no shame in scrubbing floors
and teach their poor dim eyes to see what we see without trying
spots on glass and fingerprints on doors

so mothers teach your sons how to cook and how to clean
in the arts of housework educate them
or else your sons poor wives will curse you all their lives
as they labour to housebreak and domesticate them

and give them Joy of Cooking for their birthdays
encourage them to make the meals for you
but don’t forget to teach them how to clean up as they’re going
so your kitchen doesn’t end looking like World War Two

oh mothers teach your sons how to cook and how to clean
in the arts of housework educate them
or else your sons poor wives will curse you all their lives
as they labour to housebreak and domesticate them

oh mop and broom and a dustpan
sure look good on a man

teach them when they clean to clean behind things
it’s a concept that they surely will resist
behind the couch, behind the fridge and, yes, behind the toilet —
these are places men don’t even know exist

so mothers teach your sons how to cook and how to clean
in the arts of housework educate them
or else your sons poor wives will curse you all their lives
as they labour to housebreak and domesticate them

oh mop and broom and a dustpan
sure look good on a man
I said mop and broom and a dustpan
sure look good on a man

Music: M.L Hammond & Marilyn Lerner   Lyrics M.L Hammond

friends I have a problem that I’d like to address
and it may be peculiarly mine
in these days of unemployment I am forced to confess
yours truly’s working overtime
my phone is ringing madly
they all want me oh so badly
there’s only one hitch I can see
oh no! it’s a benefit, not another benefit
and when are they gonna benefit me

I’ve played for day care, pro-choice, Greenpeace, world peace
labour causes, unfair laws and Latin American solidarity
I’ve stopped Spadina*, failed to stop the Cruise, I’ve saved
the whales and wolves
I’ve tried to save the NDP**
now ain’t it kinda funny
how we’re always raising money
for the things in life that ought to be free
oh no! it’s a benefit, not another benefit
and when are they gonna benefit me

the phone rings and a voice says “hi we haven’t met, in fact
I must admit I’ve never heard of you at all
but someone at a meeting said her sister said her lover said
we really ought to give you a call
our situation’s critical
she says you’re quite political
and feminist and always play for free…”
oh no! it’s a benefit, not another benefit
and when are they gonna benefit me

and when the bankers finally get me
’cause I haven’t paid my debts be
sure you’re ready to call up Nancy White for me
and she’ll say
oh no it’s a benefit, not another benefit
and when are they gonna benefit me (3)

* an expressway planned for downtown Toronto
** A left-of-centre Canadian political party